Categorie Emotions, bonding, hechten, verbinding, verbonden, families, family, children, education, opvoeding, merry christmas, greetings, seasoning greet, wishes, best

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Connection between the animals are subsequently to people

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OCTOBER 17, 2015

I only gave a lecture about connecting, bonding, family and so on. I described what I was doing all these years. Family connection, then friends, then with your other loved ones, your animals. Even a farmer commits and adheres to / on his cattle. I recognize from my idiosyncratic roots, Zimbabwe where people and animals mainly in rural areas are highly interconnected.

Connection between the animals are subsequently to people

Sometimes cows or donkeys seen when they help people? They chat with each other, looking at each other and leave food behind each other and feed the young. As a child I helped my parents with the cattle, together with my brothers and sister. When I look back, I am particularly impressed with how we worked with neighborhood boys and girls. They also helped parents during planting, sowing and harvesting, and cattle. It happened a lot and it was really obvious that every child just had a take. Each task connected us also with the cattle we were doing.

I remember mostly the names we give to the cows. Each cow had a name that suited his character. From the moment it is a calf, the children and parents feel what it is. I write in the present tense because it still happened. I often get messages from my brother with the pictures of the remaining cattle.

Because names, creates a connection between man and animal, by regularity we were just connected.

Regularity and compound

From my parents I learned to get up very early. My parents had cows, goats, shelves, chickens, turkeys, dogs and cats. There was great diversity in.

They were so many and yet we knew one on which it was and what it did and luster. Which eggs when it comes. We lived with season.

We ate seasonal vegetables, we were dependent on the moon. We slept early because it was faster dark. My mother always said “Basa Mangwanani” and this means better start working early, then you can still enjoy your day, because do you? it’s already evening.

This is what I still do, I remember when I worked at the office in Rotterdam and Schiedam I could often ask my colleagues if they had wet the bed;). So early was ik.Ik h ad been made long coffee and radio turned on to create a fun atmosphere connection to the work floor. I see actually why I did it.

pltlnd0

Thanks for reading my blog. So I asked in February to give a lecture during the nine-month exhibition about what I actually do. This I told such and eventually it went #Familybonding. I continue with my blog when my kids are relax.

Dear greetings
Melissa Budding
Living in the Netherlands since 1996

How Dutch men approach an African woman

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When I came to Holland I was too young to know that cultures and behavior between countries could be so different.
As a child I have never learnt anything else than embrace people you meet and treat them with respect.
I am that kind of a person who leaves the house when I am bored. I go and sit somewhere, order a drink and start a chat with people. I have always laughed with everyone. I didn’t know that Dutch people were pretty much reserved. I remember that guys spoke at most when they were drunk. Like during Kingsday and when the national team has won.

I used to visit an Irish pub in Vlaardingen and sometimes Breakaway in Rotterdam. I was mostly the first to start a conversation because I am pretty much interested in a lot of things.
This helped me to learn the language.

As a girl I knew what my mom always told me. No sex when there is no love. So I kept that in my mind at all the time.
I felt very free to talk to whomever I wanted but at the same time I could feel some lack of respect. I have no idea what made a few men think that when you are a black lady you must accept every offer you get even just to dance in a very sexual way. I could feel that these guys assumed I should accept. Probably because by then I was single. So people tend to think you are desperate. Those times in the 90s I was not a slim girl either. I still had a thick bone but not overweight. Those times if you were not as skinny as the models on catwalk then you weren’t really seen as sexy.

So each time especially when guys had a few drinks they would start talking to me freely and start dancing around me without asking for permission.. ofcourse you can guess how furious I did react.
I felt disrespected. At that moment I was too shy to really ask why they did behaved like that.
I remember words like #Dushi #fawaka (and I didn’t know what they meant by then) , which already shows that men assumed every black person who speaks good Dutch must be Surinamese. For me that wasn’t the real issue even though I would prefer to be recognised as me.

Later in the years, married, 3 children. I went with my husband to a local cafe/bar to drink something. By then we had already moved to the village. So you know villages are small. People know the new people already.
We stepped in and ordered some drinks.

There were a few guys standing there talking. They did ask my husband if we were together and my husband said yes. A weeķ later I went on my own because we could not find a babysitter.

That’s when I again experiences the same as before. Even the barman is my witness. The guys came and tried to speak in a Suriname or Antilliaanse language. I heard “hee Dushi”
And started touching my shoulder rubbing my back. As far as I know Dutch man, they do not usually approach you that way if they do have respect for you or when they fall in love with you.
I shouted at him to stop. He was shocked because I really think he did not expect this reaction.
I did ask him one question if he would do the same to a middle class Dutch lady. Apparently there was one standing on the other side of the bar. I asked him to go and do the same to that lady. He definately didn’t and he said no. At that he apologised and he felt ashamed of himself.

He actually thought black girls were easy going and would not say not to a white guy. And he did apologise and that was the first moment we started to have normal conversation at a certain level.

What if I was desperate, or insecure or maybe looking for love that badly such that I could not see the mean ideas behind??
I am really grateful that I have always had people around me who were supportive. What if I was illegal and I needed a greencard? What if I had debts, and I needed someone to help me? What I was desperate for a job and I needed someone to help me out.
Sometimes desperate situations put people in situations where they will be misused.

#knowyourworth #selflove #selfreflection.

Tips to young girls:

Whenever you feel like the world is not embracing you the way you deserve, do not accept fake love! People should learn to respect and that can only happen when you respect yourself. I do understand and I learn everyday that they are a lot of girls even men these days who are in a position where they do not want to be because of personal, financial situations. Those people I wrote this for, to help the world to learn respect one another

tips to African black sisters,

Whenever you show your worth, in whatever situation you are, you push away disrespectful people.
By imitating you are are actually telling someone my original me isn’t worth embracing.

Self slavery

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I do not want to lie to you. Confidence is not for sale. You can learn to be confident and not to be overconfident.
I have realized that it may take longer for an African girl, woman, mother and all other women to realize how beautiful they are already.
How much does it take for a woman to lose confidence?
A demanding society? a demanding parent when you are teenager?
Sense of inferiority caused by either slavery or colonization therefore having problems in self acceptance. Women failing to compliment one another and rather compete? That’s a sense of inferioruty

Do not forget slavery still exist, and modern colonization too. Let alone self enslavement.

  • being privileged, when you have been told by your society and parents that its only you who counts and you are the best, therefore suffer from incompetence and scared to lose. Being privileged can be dangerous especially if you are not aware. there are always better people out there.
  • a man’s society who are brainwashed that all women should be at a certain size for them to be considered as beautiful, and that they have to be have long hair to reach an accepted standard (sexy and content)
  • Insecure women without good sex at home therefore focus on their looks and nationalize that, yet we are not all the same.
  • Fashion industry, which we as a society could influence very easily instead of them influencing us, what do they know?

Be you, be yourself, love your looks, do not imitate unless it suits you, get to know your body better and there buy clothes accordingly. Never rely on a compliment from others for you to continue.

How Dutch men approach an African woman

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#Metoo When I came to Holland I was too young to know that cultures and behaviour between countries could be so different.
As a child I have never learnt anything else than embrace people you meet and treat them with respect.
I am that kind of a person who leaves the house when I am bored. I go and sit somewhere, order a drink and start a chat with people. I have always laughed with everyone. I didn’t know that Dutch people were pretty much reserved. I remember that guys spoke at most when they were drunk. Like during Kingsday and when the national team has won.

I used to visit an Irish pub in Vlaardingen and sometimes Breakaway in Rotterdam. I was mostly the first to start a conversation because I am pretty much interested in a lot of things.
This helped me to learn the language.

As a girl I knew what my mom always told me. No sex when there is no love. So I kept that in my mind at all the time.
I felt very free to talk to whomever I wanted but at the same time I could feel some lack of respect. I have no idea what made a few men think that when you are a black lady you must accept every offer you get even just to dance in a very sexual way. I could feel that these guys assumed I should accept. Probably because by then I was single. So people tend to think you are desperate. Those times in the 90s I was not a slim girl either. I still had a thick bone but not overweight. Those times if you were not as skinny as the models on catwalk then you weren’t really seen as sexy.

So each time especially when guys had a few drinks they would start talking to me freely and start dancing around me without asking for permission.. ofcourse you can guess how furious I did react.
I felt disrespected. At that moment I was too shy to really ask why they did behaved like that.
I remember words like #Dushi #fawaka (and I didn’t know what they meant by then) , which already shows that men assumed every black person who speaks good Dutch must be Surinamese. For me that wasn’t the real issue even though I would prefer to be recognised as me.

Later in the years, married, 3 children. I went with my husband to a local cafe/bar to drink something. By then we had already moved to the village. So you know villages are small. People know the new people already.
We stepped in and ordered some drinks.

There were a few guys standing there talking. They did ask my husband if we were together and my husband said yes. A weeķ later I went on my own because we could not find a babysitter.

That’s when I again experiences the same as before. Even the barman is my witness. The guys came and tried to speak in a Suriname or Antilliaanse language. I heard “hee Dushi”
And started touching my shoulder rubbing my back. As far as I know Dutch man, they do not usually approach you that way if they do have respect for you or when they fall in love with you.
I shouted at him to stop. He was shocked because I really think he did not expect this reaction.
I did ask him one question if he would do the same to a middle class Dutch lady. Apparently there was one standing on the other side of the bar. I asked him to go and do the same to that lady. He definately didn’t and he said no. At that he apologised and he felt ashamed of himself.

He actually thought black girls were easy going and would not say not to a white guy. And he did apologise and that was the first moment we started to have normal conversation at a certain level.

What if I was desperate, or insecure or maybe looking for love that badly such that I could not see the mean ideas behind??
I am really grateful that I have always had people around me who were supportive. What if I was illegal and I needed a greencard? What if I had debts, and I needed someone to help me? What I was desperate for a job and I needed someone to help me out.
Sometimes desperate situations put people in situations where they will be misused.

#knowyourworth #selflove #selfreflection. So yes #Metoo.

Tips to young girls:

Whenever you feel like the world is not embracing you the way you deserve, do not accept fake love! People should learn to respect and that can only happen when you respect yourself. I do understand and I learn everyday that they are a lot of girls even men these days who are in a position where they do not want to be because of personal, financial situations. Those people I wrote this for, to help the worls to learn respect one another

tips to African black sisters,

Whenever you show your worth, in whatever situation you are, you push away disrespectful people.
By imitating you are are actually telling someone my original me isn’t worth embracing.

Why I am not happy in the Diaspora

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The danger of raising children in The Diaspora, when you grew up in your country of origin.

I left Zimbabwe when I was 22 years old and I have been living in The Netherlands for he pas 21 years. I now have a family and going back is not planned within a day! Let alone the ticket prices for 5 people. I do realize a lot has changed, but never underestimate what a child has been exposed to. Its powerful.

Written in November 10, 2015

As a child in the village we could really play and discover a lot without anyone giving us a label. We had a lot of space to play and possibilities to discover, build and finish everything ourselves without anyone commanding. I never played alone. People here ask us as a family why we did not opt ​​for home education. Well then I would prefer to take my children to an African village to practice in real life

Surely, I am a doubter. I do not like developmental organizations, I am a vaccination-doubter, an education system-doubter. If I had stayed in Africa, I might have died of unavoidable illnesses, but maybe not. I did stay close to my roots, close to my parents. We have learned a lot. We lived natural building our own immune system

Working in the fields, knowing all kinds of vegetables, natural medicines, species of trees, is not something an African child learn from a researched point of view, but from a day to day living and experiencing from the elderly people.

We always kept our attention to the seasons,light from the moon. Therefore we knew when to to organize ceremonies and parties in the evenings and these are mostly organized at full moon. Then you hear drums and singing in the neighborhoods. Exchanging seeds and livestock. Nobody is poor when everyone and families are help one another without questioning so no room for individualism.

And also the cattle: milking cows, goats and sheep. That was biology lesson and that was agriculture / agriculture. Without chemical additives. My parents built huts and houses of self-baked stones without asbestos or other carcinogenic additives.

Now I live in a world where I am only raising children with my husband. Sometimes very sad. What is education without your roots? To whom can you ask questions about the first teeth, or whatever.

 


Now I have find out: whether my child might also have a chance to make a vegetable garden somewhere. There is no space or else you have to buy a piece of land which you can only use for a certain period of the years because the rest of the is filled by winter.

While we made our own balls to plays from bicycle tires and recycled fabric and other organic materials in Africa. In Europe we have to join a football club and pay a fee because football an other sport activities are no longer provided in schools.

Playfully learning is doing things in practice and not being tested and labelled!

 

In Zimbabwe we lived with a father and a mother and we had family around us. Because of the school systems we had to go all the way to the city where I saw my mother very little. My father worked in the city and my mother lived in village. I now realize how often I have missed my mother. But those moments we were together were fruit full, because my mom was practicing what she taught us.

A lot of documentaries and researches bring us back to the bonding moments of an African parent and her children

One day I had to go to the Netherlands with my brother to continue my studies. With the goal that I would go back to my parents, unfortunately life is never in our hands. My parents passed away because of the circumstances in my homeland. this added up to my loneliness and I was further from my own roots.
Now married and I had really hoped that I would have close family outside my dear family, unfortunately the answer is no.

Please see more blogs and thank you for reading and hopefully your response ❤

Connected by the great shared taste!

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The new menu provides the possibility of sharing. Just like what we would do in African  countries, eating from one plate. You will find out that that’s where great stories start. Great relationships and ideas. No more individualism. With the new Restaurant Tijsterman menu humans are connected without them planning or noticing. The quality of their food connects. Their great communication skills connects.

We came to stay in our village about 2 years ago, one thing that we always looked for, were places that we can find peace when we are tired, or find good ambiance and tasty food and drinks. Because of searching we end up connecting with the people behind the scenes.  Who then tell us the story behind. This is what fascinates me and my husband.

I remember us drinking some coffee at one of this family’s restaurant and we were immediately satisfied, not because we knew the whole menu yet. But there was a connection, Interest from both ways and that was one of the reason we came back and decide to buy our own house. The personnel is well trained such that even if they do not know, or cannot provide they will always find a way to help you out.

dennis20171031_225031

In two years time we visited these family’s restaurants and cafes where we could drink selected beers and wines. This was even the best solution close to our house.

We were very honored when they surprised us by an invitation to try the  New menu Restaurant-Tijsterman so we could provide review information. We enjoyed the tastes! we enjoyed the service and ambiance. Just like our second home. Me and my husband have always shared our diner just because we wanted to taste from each other’s plate.

What I like about their selection, is an eye on the seasons and human nature. That already shows how much respect they do have to human’s health and well being.

Below you can watch a video when my children were enjoying Mussels during the season when they are available.

My children enjoying Mussels

People who know me, know that I always talk about good food, not only health but tasty and high quality. Moving from Zimbabwe to Netherlands was not easy especially when it came to food. I was shocked about the amount of groceries people did. I was shocked about the choices I had for one type of product. How much I could find in supermarkets, too much.

Unfortunately to discover that  I had to be careful what was real and not. Most people I knew were mostly saving money on food, like they would buy the cheapest type of food in the supermarket. That never tasted the way I had known when I was young.

The most confusing part was that I would then think like I read everywhere and saw on TV that Africans were poor. I ended up not looking for the type of food I grew up eating. Food like pumpkins, and most of it what they call super – foods. The first time I visited an organic shop and a fair trade shop, I then started re appreciating my original African food.

Now that i live in a small village where the real farmers live and sell their products directly, I do feel the connection.

Even though we also adopted old British kitchen, the traditional kitchen in Zimbabwe still was the best for me as it was pure. I remember whenever I visited England or Scotland that I would pass by a traditional shop to buy typical British Cornish pastry, scones or tea. Because of travelling, I tended to like the Borough market more, even the handmade traditional food, that you can no longer find in bigger supermarkets.

Food processing killed my appetite and that made me even travel more. I visited different restaurants and ignored the fact that some have a 2 or 3 stars. I wanted to know more about who is behind the kitchen, what are their beliefs, how do they feel about what I tasted so far. I was looking for connection.
My parents definitely taught me how to taste and appreciate not just to eat because people are hungry. My father used this word culinary a lot and now I do understand what it means. I remembered my mom making lots of traditional Zimbabwean food 

So the way the Tijsterman family and their restaurant do really brings me back to my old traditional taste, organic and connection. I realized that that’s the place I like to be with my family for almost everything they do provide.

See the pictures:

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One of my biggest cultural shocks in the world is now solved.

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I have been living in the Netherlands for the past 20 years. I had lots of cultural shocks in positive and negative ways. I have learnt to laugh about very simple things like my own identity just because I never wanted people to see me as a bad person.
Which also means accepting something that is a bit disrespectful to my own culture. But as I remember most people were always curious about how I have lived in Africa.

What changed me were my children? I had my first child in 2008, Instead of having to explain my culture again and again, I started practicing it.
I realized I had a lot to explain to my children. Most difficult was that there were not so may things that represented me as an African princess, African Doll and even in the windows where people did the window shopping.
I felt really bad about it and realized it wasn’t something I could change very easily than embracing who I was.
In Zimbabwe where I grew up, we lived mostly according what we imitated from colonialism.
So when we thought of buying a doll, it was always a white doll,  shops were full of them. I also think there were people of African origin who may have wanted to see something or someone who represented them as nice, black people who did not only fought wars and went through slavery.
I am really happy that I started carrying my baby’s and breastfed them as I remembered from the village in Zimbabwe.
In the cities especially Harare where I went to school, my parents explained to me a lot about different classes. You would be considered rich when you lived in a low density suburbs and poor when you were living in a high density suburb.

So many people would embrace the rich culture more. For example, when you see a black person buying a very big car for a better status or trying to lighten skin color to be able to look more prettier because this was perceived as beauty.

Oh mom I want to look pretty, and white skin was the only skin presented as pretty.

I have realized that if we cannot teach our children our African history, no-one else will. So it starts with self acceptance, self reflection.

To buy a toy or an educational toy has been one of the biggest cultural shock I ever had until I met Rejoice Bhila Kwaramba, the creator and owner at The dolls that represent diversity.

Please hear more of her story. She promotes self love and together we promote self reflection. she is lovely with her lovely family. I have already bought 2 dolls for my little girls and they love them. Teaching African history is much easier to understand when history is presented positively.

Representing my self, my origins, my well being has become a big lesson such that I begin to realize  how important it is for schools to learn the positive things about my origins.

We need more embracing, more people helping us doing this.  I will share some of my shocks:

-On television there were not so may people represented as African origin without that they were called poor.

-Every child I know from school is taught to help poor African children. I do agree  that there are countries that went through a lot, such that they need help, but not at all the time

If there was a commercial on television and there was an African origin family, it always looked like they were not organised. Those few things disturbed me.

So now that we can buy a black doll just like a barbie it means we have a good start of self acceptance without having to explain.

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